Tyra Banks and Juno Dog Fight Back

IN THE NAME OF REAL BEAUTY

Last summer, Joan brought me and Shane to a different animal hospital from the usual one, because the receptionist at the old place had a very loud high-pitched voice and always talked in the first-person plural. I'm not sure what that is, but it drove Joan crazy.

But, the main reason was Shane. It's so hard to find a place that doesn't mind dealing with his . . . nerves and growls. Well, we only went there once, because they tried to make Joan pay for things she said she didn't want. The receptionist kept saying the procedures were "mandatory." Joan said: "No. Breathing and rabies vaccinations are mandatory. Searching through my dogs' stool is optional." That's what Joan said, and finally they took the charge off her credit card. Okay, enough background?

Well, guess what came in the mail today? A letter from that very place, and a check for seven dollars, which I guess is the "hook." Here's what the letter says:

"Are a few pounds sneaking up on Juno?

Dear Joan and Juno,

"It happens to the best of us. A morning walk missed here, an extra treat given there. Next thing you know, love handles. You're not alone. Over 34% of America's dogs are overweight. . . .

Sincerely,

Your friends at Aldrich Animal Hospital

PS: Schedule an appointment today and see why we recomment Hill's Prescription Diet r/d and w/d Canine."

NOW I KNOW HOW TYRA BANKS FEELS. I mean, she's so beautiful it takes your breath away. But that doesn't stop some dopey humans from being mean because she's bigger than a pencil. (Like anyone of them could look half as good as she does.) And now, they're attacking DOG beauty! MY dog beauty. Well, Tyra, let's throw that seven-dollar check right back at them, okay? We're exquisite the way we are.

Wait! Did you know that Shane weighs five pounds MORE than I do? But, does Shane get a warning fat letter? No. And why doesn't Shane get a warning fat letter? Because he's not a girl, that's why. And why did they address the letter to Joan? Do they want her to eat Hill's Dog Food, too?

Sick as I am, I'm going to raid the biscuit box. It's my big-dog revolution, and I'm doing it in the name of real beauty—Tyra Banks beauty and Juno Dog beauty. Hrumph Go Tyra! Go Juno!

Best wishes from Juno